The Truth.
(This post is written in September 2017, minor parts of it are edited on 6th March 2018.)
This post is a post 3 years in the making.
The truth behind running Winifred Kristรฉ Cake the past 3 years.
Yes you heard it right. Trust me, in these 3 years I had to put off any crazy wild attempts to write this. Because of business reasons, I had to keep it in. But I cannot keep it in longer because I feel like I am losing myself.
If after all these years, you guys are still following me, wow I must say thank you. and I am extremely flattered.
I remember starting this space because I want to share food recipes I have been making so everyone can share and care in this community- through this space, of course how I can exclude what means the most to me- me pursuing my dreams of cake decorating.
It has been 3 years.
3 years since Winifred Kristรฉ Cake started. 3.5 years since I came back from the USA. I remember vividly that USA was the happiest and the most fulfilling times of my life. All these years I always wanted to go back to visit but I can never find the time. #responsibilities
I had my priorities I needed to take care of, and unfortunately, none of the priorities I have set, include myself.
It's really personal and emotional sharing this, and I always think, when is the best time I can finally tell the world I want to be myself again?
Do allow me to share this quote.
"Entrepreneurship is living a few years of your lives like most people wont, so you can spend the rest of your life like most people can't."
- Liza Falzon
Living a life like most people won't- obviously that means anything that makes a person feel safe- if Maslow's hierarchy of needs is purely emotional needs. Safe translates to happiness, and happiness translates to many positive things in life. But no- thats not how my 3 years was.
If I can put it out simply, these 3 years has been the roughest times of my life (you will find out why as you read on).
But people be like, "WHY? You're living your dream! Doing your cakes and owning a business! Why are you unhappy?" At this point I sound like a ungrateful brat, I know. But give me a chance, I will explain it further.
I must say it did get better but looking back at the first year running WKC, every day was fear, instability and you know what? You have to disregard all these (YES, you have to disregard your basic needs as human) and just go into it, just work hard, just grind. There is no room for complaints or rants. No one is interested in it. Ranting won't bring you to the next step of your life, working hard for it will.
And that is what I did.
Everyday of your life, you hear and witness how friends, family members who hold a stable job, get a stable salary, and can move on to planning their lives, their future- and when you look at yourself, you can't. People enjoy their weekends, off days, family gatherings, you can't. Because you can't even see the next step in front of you. So constantly working was my way of ultimately finding out what is next for me. Entrepreneurship; full of uncertainties, risks and fear. Definitely not a route for everyone. With that being said, if I knew all of these were about to happen, I probably would not step into this journey of "Entrepreneurship". This brings me to my next point.
If there is one thing I can take away from this 3 years, it is this- and listen carefully.
Like any 20s kids, ambitious and passionate, I consider myself lucky enough to be able to rent a space to "run a business"- notice I made an ", because the whole idea of being passionate about something and making money from it- has became crystal clear to me- that it is a world's difference from "running a business" based on your passion.
I know clearly now, what are the things that makes my heart flutter and me being able to continue working into wee hours and wishing these hours never end, and what are the things i dread so hard but have to complete, and how this kills my soul (mind you, at this point I do know clearly some things in life you dread but have to do, but imagine it happening 85% of your time- this is unhealthy).
Here's a quick advice: "Running a business" based on your passion is the first step to killing your passion.
This whole business thing, really forces my creativity to take the back seat. If I can put it on a scale, "running a business" takes up 70% of my time, can you imagine me only putting 30% of my time into designing/executing my cakes? Believe me, I have tried. In these 3 years, I tried every possible thing to keep "running the business" and every year the costs just keep increasing, human labour, rental, ingredients- the more you do, the more you're thinking why you keep having to do more, because there is no ending point to mass production. And the bigger the team gets, the more I lose my sense of identity in WKC. I knew clearly from the beginning I never wanted to mass produce, but the market pushes me that direction, so well like anyone who wants to survive in this industry, you follow.
Business Survival- AND, that is where, my friends, I lost the Winifred I started WKC with. Its heartbreaking, I know.
But out of all these heartbreaking moments I learnt how to deal with failure. And with every failure, I get stronger, I understand myself better.
To me, its never about generating mass amount of cakes. I am an Arts person. I am never a business person, I am a cake designer, and I design cakes. I am not sure how I can proudly call myself an artist, but I figured if thats an easier term for this post to keep going, let's just say I can only think like an artist. But know that, I am still very thankful for this journey- it has made me grow as a person. I now look back and know clearly what are the things I love, I can do, and what are the things I can't and its better off someone else do it because I can't continue killing myself over "running a business". It is just not, me. Business and passion goes in completely opposite directions. There're abiding rules you follow when you are full force on passion, but yet they have to be disrupted, or should I say distorted when it comes to "running a business" following this passion. It really pulls the artist in me apart. And so I've learnt, many at times when you look at someone make a decision, know that you're only looking in the surface- I don't speak for other reasons but for business it is clear to me, everyone does it for business survival- and this is where it kills the artist.
And during my Bali trip last year, (which don't be surprised that I don't have the time to slow down or even ponder about what life is when I am busy working, even as I am typing this now you have no idea how thankful I am to have this time solely to myself.), every travel trip I make- I come back stronger a person because
- It forces a pause on (the crazily working) me
- Experiences give me new inspiration which brings forward my creative juices
Of course, there were many moments in these years that I am proud to be able to say I have achieved. These are the moments I sacrificed everything I had to exchange for. Before I go into those moments, I would like to bring you guys through some most arduous moments in the past 3 years that I have to endure to exchange for what people call "Glorious" moments. So, here we go.
- Money/ Stable income Sacrification
Before I begin may I just add this is the least toughest sacrifice you should expect. When WKC begin 3 years ago, very little appreciated the work of sugar flowers on cakes. Before my stint in the USA all I did was to learn from Youtube videos and there is where I found our about my stint place at Maggie Austin Cake. No one in Singapore offered such fine skill set and that is why I packed my bags to fly across the world to learn. You can see my past works & read about them here: http://winifredfred.com/diary/2014/6/20/follow-your-heart-let-faith-be-bigger-than-your-biggest-fear
After coming home, the toughest battle I had to fight is to convince people what I have learnt during my stint and to bring beautiful cakes to the local scene- little did I know it was also the start of my biggest nightmare. I can't tell you how scary and how I never want to go back to the first year running WKC, it was full of fear and uncertainty especially when it is also your full time career. You guys have no idea how thankful I am, now, at this stage of writing this, for all the time I fought so hard for WKC.
ย - I lost all of my Family & Social life.
In these 3 years, I could barely catch up with my family and friends. There are moments you caught up with them but none of them knows what you're going through. There're moments that you can't make it no matter how much you wish to, because work needs you to be there. There're moments you look back and wish you can be part of it, but you can't. And you can't explain to them.
There are no long weekends, no public holidays, no holidays, no social life. But these taught me one very important lesson in life- that one can actually survive without many things in life. Frugality taught me that life can be simple.
ย - I lost my health (emotionally, mentally & physically).
Physically, you can see the next point.
Emotionally & Mentally, there are a lot of moments I snapped. I lost it all. Moments where I get so stressed up I will start yelling. There're points my family members will mistaken me for the things I do, and not knowing the reason behind it, some hurtful statements were used, and that is where it kills- because you can't even explain to the people who are closest to you. I screamed, because that is all I can fight back, it is so heartbreaking to do that, but that was the only way I could release myself. Then I will cry in one corner of my room, knowing I did something awful, and I just marked another red flag in my life. But the next thing you know, you have to wipe away those tears and get up and continue fighting. The stress is overwhelming, and overwhelming is an understatement.
ย - I almost lost my life.
I lost the balance in my life. If you have followed my blog, 3 years ago I was leading a very healthy lifestyle. I work out 6 times a week, I eat really clean and I share recipes. But I lost that to "running a business". I did not have a healthy lifestyle anymore, I would often lose sleep, work too late, wake up too early, forgot to eat, and the cycle goes on. In November 2015, I found an internal bleeding problem and I must say I was lucky to have found it. After a scramble of confused thoughts and the fear of dying, a close friend brought me to consult the doctor only to find out it could be a case of colon cancer. I was arranged to meet a Colon Cancer specialist- and in the midst of fearing the possibilities of death, the next morning I had to conduct a class of 8 students on sugar flowers. Of course during the class, I revealed no hints that I was broken, I bawled my eyes out the night before, and that I was completely shattered inside. On the outside I had to show that I am strong, happy and elated to teach. My friends, that was the toughest thing I have to do in my life. I can't even be myself at the most fearful stage of my life.
I could have cancelled the class, but I needed the money for WKC, so I went on with it, I wasn't in the right frame of mind, I wasn't thinking. If anyone knew that I was going to do that, they would have scolded me so I kept numb about it until I consulted the specialist.
I then went on to do a Colonoscopy, and I am so thankful that I did it, because basically my mom was freaking out way more than I am. They found polyps growing in my colon, which if they multiplied (which they eventually will, if not taken care of), would have evolved into colon cancer & cost me my life. I am just so thankful that the doctor found it and successfully removed it. Let's not go into the details of aftermath of the operation because an aftermath of a colonoscopy is a horrible feeling. But you will be fine after. This also just means that every year, I will have to go for a colonoscopy- people start their colonoscopy at an average of 50, I was 24.
I did ask the doctor what was the cause of it, he mentioned 2 things: Genetic or stress. Mine is not genetic, so it is, yes, stress.
ย - I lost my beloved grandparents in the run to build WKC.
I grew up with them. I am closer to my grandparents than my parents. Having to spend these 2 years apart from them, as compared to seeing them everyday of my life growing up, it is painful. My grandma often rings me up at work just because she missed talking to me. In July 2016, my grandpa left. I wasn't at home when he left, but all I can think of in my head is my grandma. I ran up to her when I got home, and I hugged her so tightly- I couldn't speak, but my tears kept flowing. My grandma was holding on to her tears, and all she said to me was "Your grandpa, is gone" (in hokkien langauge), but you can see the heart-shatter in her eyes. Growing up with them, has been the best 26 years of my life, I know this day will come but no matter how I prepare myself for it, I will never be prepared. I always wonder what will one partner do if the other leaves? I try not to think, its heartbreaking. They are so close, and from every day actions I see my grandparents' love for each other. My grandma always put my grandpa first and my grandpa tries to do the same. I have very fond memories of them. Since Grandpa left, I put in more effort to visit grandma at home- no matter how tired I am after work, most of the times I bring my work to my grandma house to continue working on it. My grandma would always tell me "If only I can help you with your work, but grandma is old, I am useless." to which I always strongly object and say that you're not! She will then shake her head and continue watching her TV shows as I work beside her. I know she feels empty, but there's nothing I can do, and I know she misses my grandpa sorely. I do not dare to talk to her about grandpa because I don't want to remind her about it but I feel it is always in her. On nights that I cannot go over, she will ring my on my phone and ask if I am busy, and I will say yes, and sorry for not being able to go over. I feel horrible for saying that, but at this point of time I have a team to take care of, and every action of mine will affect the team so I have to be on the ball. I remember vividly I took a Monday off to visit her and to chat around with her, we talked about usual things and like what did she have for breakfast and all, everything was so normal and peaceful, I try to make more time for her. I told her I will come by on Sunday to find her again. And who would have expected, that, was the last time I see her smiling at me. 2 days after that, she passed peacefully in her sleep.
I didn't get to work for a few days, because I can't bring myself to doing anything. The closest person to me on Earth just left, shortly 10 months after Grandpa left. My world shattered.
ย
If you are ready to lose all of the above, you are ready for the journey of Entrepreneurship.
People comment all the time. You're not neat enough, you are too pricey, you're too this and you're too that. I would like to take this chance to tell these people, do not comment on anything, ANYTHING, if you do not know one's story. Even the slightest comment will hurt, it will bring up the most painful past when building this.
So, when I was in Bali (thanks to my sweetheart, for forcing this holiday on me), I pondered. If there are so much I lost in these 3 years, there must be something I have gained from all these, right? What is it? Resilience? Perseverance? Determination? All these, I realised, are part and parcel of life you have to have. They're not the end product, nothing ever is. Everything is a process. And I asked myself, when am I the happiest, and my brain started drifting back to cake designs, and only in that moment I looked back and saw how much I lose track of my initial meaning of WKC. Michelle Phan once mentioned: "If I am not feeling great, how can my products be great?"
There are a few moments I can steal from this entire journey that has brought me immense joy and happiness. There are the moments I can get to look at my cake designs and snap my fingers and goes "THIS is what I live for!". I have many cake designs I am proud to have, I see them as a fruition of me and my fav team members' work. I see marriage of people's artistic vision, and I think this is my gain.
I can't steal joy from all cakes, but when the right moment hits, it transcends the pure joy of satisfaction, it is exhilarating, and its something you can never use money to trade for. THAT, that is what I have been fighting so hard for.
Of course through this journey I am very blessed to have met people and became close friends with, in this industry, and those are the true moments you're thankful for. I have forged treasurable friendships. Those moments are the moments I look at myself and say, "You've lost a lot, but you did gain a lot too." These friends who are sincerely there to back you up- I've met many talented souls who shares the same enthusiasm as me for a true piece of art work, and I just want to tell you guys, you all are gems. And I am so thankful for you all. I will not be even halfway through where I am now if you for you guys' constant support.
And so now, I have many moments of extreme highs and happiness that I can vividly remember, and to share of:
- BUZZFEED 2016
Winifred Kristรฉ Cake got featured in BuzzFeed in 2016 (I screamed when I received the email, really, I did, inside me).
ย - WHEN YOUR IDOL FOLLOWS YOU & KNOWS YOU.
My favourite cake artist from Toronto, Canada follows Winifred Kristรฉ Cake on Instagram (A HUGE !!!! FOR ME) & COMMENTED (help I am dying of happiness inside). The cake artists I followed religiously when I started my cake decorating journey 8 years ago, they now talk to me, like omg, like you know what I mean, its like talking to your dream idols, the people who inspires me so much.
ย - THE NEXT GREAT BAKER
The Next Great Baker Season 4's winner Lia, sends you a private message on Instagram to tell you that she loves your work (?!?!!! WHAT ON EARTH??).
ย - INTERNATIONAL
International students flying to Singapore to attend classes by me- which can i just say it is still so unbelievable for me right now? Students from Thailand, Philippines, Indonesia, Mauritius Island, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Brunei, Australia they all flew to Singapore for my class, omg really? I am so so so flattered by them.
Now I conduct classes overseas from time to time, 2018 has unlocked Indonesia and United States of America for WKC so far. I can't wait for more, to share more, to learn more at the same time.
ย - A SENSE OF IDENTITY (Most importantly)
Winifred Kristรฉ Cake being recognised for her style, this took me 3 years in the making. Everyone knows I took off WKC after interning at my most admirable artist, Maggie Austin in Washington D.C., having trained under her it was tough to pull away from her shadow in the first place, so I am very thankful that I managed to find something I call my own. It was not easy, but time will lead you to it. Time will lead you to everything.
ย - THANK YOU MESSAGES
I received messages and messages from people and students from my class telling me "Thank you for fighting for what you believe, it has inspired me and now instead of being a couch potato I wake up everyday fighting for what I believe." You wouldn't believe the chills I get reading such messages.
All in all, there're many high highs and low lows as a business owner. I'd say, it is indeed the worst and the best job in the world. When you lose something, it pains you to the bone, but when you gain from it, it brings you a sense of satisfaction you can never gain from anywhere else. It's you. It's like your baby. Winifred Kristรฉ Cake is my baby.
The road in front of me will still continue to bring its own set of challenges, like how life always do. But we get stronger everyday, as long as we don't give up- it is okay to take a pause if you need, but pick yourself up and go again. Remember ranting doesn't bring you forward, working hard will.
It is okay to fail, because if you do not fail, you do not learn. Do not have a negative relationship with failure, work along side it, fail forward.
So before I end this post, I just want to say to all creatives and artists striving our there to creative your very own version of art work, thank you for pushing yourself to make an impact on the world for what you believe in. You may be the minority, but you, and what you believe, are important. It is never an easy journey and nothing worth having comes easy. So thank you.
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With all of these said, for Winifred Kristรฉ Cake, this is not a goodbye, it is (always) a work in progress & see you later. I can't wait to bring back the vision, belief and identity of WKC I had lost over the years. Slowly, but surely. As Buddy Valastro always say, "Its Go Time!".
I am so thankful for all the opportunities & fights I get to fight now, looking forward going back to USA in April to conduct sugar flower workshops, and all the upcoming cake assignments. :")
See you all soon.
xx
